Rest and Listening to My Parts

In this current unwinding of old trauma, I find that there are so many parts to work with. This pain was under the age of four and so my memories are not encoded coherently, they are more held in my body in unconnected images and sensations, fewer words. The parts that responded to this intense traumatic event are buried under layers of parts that came after… the five-year-old, the 8-year-old, the 13-year-old. They each live in different places within my body and each has different somatic markers that help me recognize them.

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The “try harder and get it right” part lives in my shoulders, jaw, and forehead. When this part is activated, I notice that I get more focused, frustrated, and less patient with myself and others. I push myself and don’t listen as well to my adult wise self or my other parts that know I need to rest or slow down. She has gotten softer over time as I have worked with her, but the work of selling my house and moving to a foreign country has activated her. The whole process has been a bit overwhelming which activates some younger exiles, who can feel helpless and lethargic. So my ‘try harder girl’ wants to ‘help out’ and she does but often at a cost to me, usually overriding my limits or my need to slow down.

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Then there are the parts that embody the ‘unbearable aloneness’ born when I was experiencing overwhelming events without support to make sense of it, or protection and soothing. At that time, my need for support went unanswered or was ignored and minimized. She or they live in my belly and in my heart.

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When the ‘unbearable aloneness’ part gets activated, I have a protector part of me who will push her back into exile, cutting the connection from my belly to my heart, to keep the emotions stuffed down and override the needs. This protector pushes me to be self-effacing and overly nice or helpful to make up for needs I may have expressed. Sometimes when she isn’t successful, I have a firefighter part who will jump in and push for distraction, like a Netflix binge night.

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Of course, I also have my wise Self, my soul, who is always there, watching and observing, always curious, compassionate, and creative. When my littles get activated, I have to call her forward to be with those younger parts, help them feel and see the change in who we are and the resources and support we have within and around us.

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This particular piece of inner work I am sorting through requires a lot of Self energy. This is especially true because I am alone in a foreign country and that can feel vulnerable in itself. But I need both the time and geographic space to dive deeper into myself to unwind and integrate these parts in a new way and so I have to balance the motivation to change and move through the transformation with being gentle with myself.

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Today, I let myself just take the day off from processing or working. This morning I was on my mat doing my usual practice and working with these parts when my firefighter – of all the parts- said “You can’t push us all the time! We sometimes need to take it one step at a time at our own pace”. I realized that some of my little parts were actually having a bit of an existential crisis. They were tired and a little under-resourced. It wasn’t just the specific event I was processing, but the fact that horrible things happen and that we live in a world where humans, even ones that love you, can sometimes do unimaginable, intolerable things that we end up somehow tolerating and then storing inside of our psyches and bodies. Shaping how we see the world and ourselves within it. I had learned this lesson before, but I wasn’t quite ready to face this reality again.

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I made space for those little parts to voice their sadness, despair, and frustration. I heard these voices inside of me “I get that humans are a whole range of things, from beautiful to inhumane, but if we are truly love at the core of our being then why are we doing this? This experiment of humanity…. I mean what’s the point? Why live in darkness, without God or the bodily memory of God – just suffering and hurting others? I’m tired of it… I don't mean this lifetime, I mean the thousands of years I have been doing this! I miss being an energy body of love and light. This isn’t fun anymore.”

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Uh oh, I think I have pushed myself right into a mini-existential crisis. I still had my wise self on board and knew that this was just a part of me but obviously, I needed to pause and rest. Just let myself have a break from the processing and transformative work and doing simple earthly and nurturing things.

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I made myself a comfy spot on the couch and a cool drink and watched a good movie. Then I took Gus to the beach and went for a long walk and played in the water. I came back to the house and found another feel-good movie with a yummy and healthy dinner, and now I am getting ready to go to bed and get a good night's sleep.

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I will see how I feel in the morning, but already, I feel more integrated and relaxed. This is such a good reminder of the importance of listening to my parts, my body, my Self. Pacing, titration, and compassion are all essential skills in this transformational process. Tomorrow, I will listen again to those parts and see if we can make sense of this all together, slowly, one step at a time.